Hello and welcome to another episode of the Monday Quickie – today’s question comes from Amy, she writes:
My boyfriend and I used to have sex whenever we could, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, now we’re living together – it’s like once a month if I’m lucky and I’m feeling like I’m always having to ask! Shouldn’t that be his job?? Has he stopped loving me?
The Monday Quickie Video Transcript – Let’s talk about…IT
Thank you Amy, this is actually quite a big question and I’ll probably struggle to do this in under 2 minutes but I will do my best. The first thing I’d like to address is the “isn’t it his job?” part of your question. The answer to that is: no. Unless you sat down at the beginning of your relationship, and you very clearly stated that only he would ever initiate sex, the answer to that is definitely NO. He may not even be aware that that is your expectation and that assumption could be getting in the way. Most of our communication is actually non verbal and it’s also the things that we don’t say. So while you feel that he isn’t initiating sex and maybe he doesn’t want you anymore – for all you know he’s thinking the exact same thing.
Think back to when you first got together. What were the conditions and the environment that allowed you guys to be able to jump each other like rabbits…? You probably saw each other at specific times and you knew you’d only be together for a little while or you really missed each other and you were in an environment that made having sex easy. When you’re living together, particularly if you just recently moved in, you’ve now got household chores that you’re negotiating, you’re balancing work and/or study – I don’t know exactly what the situation is but the question is – what are the things that are creating stress in your lives that might be getting in the way of you being able to connect? Sex is often tied to stress – you need to have energy, you need to be in a positive frame of mind and chances are if you have stopped having sex as frequently as you used to, you probably haven’t talked about it. There’s a good chance he’s having the same thoughts you are.
I would recommend that you sit down with him (this is a common theme!), sit down with him and actually have a conversation about what’s going on around your relationship and then maybe have a couple glasses of wine and have a relaxed negotiation about how you would like your sex life to be. Not in an accusatory tone like “we don’t have sex anymore and I don’t like it and um there’s something wrong with us” more like: “how can we… how much sex would you like to have? Because I reckon this amount would be fun!” and “What do you need to happen to feel good? Do you need to have more sleep? Do we need to have a better routine about the house?” then talk about the things that effect sex for example stress, sleep and relaxation.
Do you have any advice for Amy? What do you think gets in the way of sex in long term relationships?by